So to avoid anymore awkward conversations, I thought it would be easiest (for me) to let the world know, through my blog (I just laugh at loud realizing how crazy that sounds) that I will soon be getting a divorce. Jeff and I separated about a month ago and we've been living in separate homes. The divorce papers have been filed, and we're now just waiting for everything to go through the courts. Nothing "happened". I keep getting that question over and over. "What happened?!" It wasn't any one thing or any thing recent for that matter. We just both felt it was time to be truthful with ourselves and move on. Jeff and I have always been very different, and though we have always loved and still love each other dearly, it's in both of our best interest and that of the kids that we no longer be married to each other. I'm not going to lie and say I'm okay, because it's been Hell. On Sunday for the first time since the separation happened, I was able to respond to a simple "how are you?" with out bursting into tears. I feel like I'm a pretty open person, but crying is something that I have always felt reflected weakness and I have tried to not let others see me cry, but in the last month I have cried in front of my family doctor, my OBGYN, both of my kids teachers, family, friends, strangers, you name it. Everyone has seen the sad "woes me" Sabrina, Boo hoo hoo. Lol.
One positive thing about this situation is being humbled. I know. I KNOW, that I can not get through a trial like this without the help of my Heavenly Father. It's awful to admit, but I have tried to get through life on my own, but whenever big trials like this happen to me, I'm instantly humbled and I know that My Father in Heaven and My Savior are the only ones that fully understand my pain, and the only ones that can take it away. It's such a great comfort to know that I am never alone no matter how lonely I feel and that no matter what They both love me. There's a quote by President Monson that has recently become my favorite-
“Whenever we are inclined to feel burdened down with the blows of life, let us remember that others have passed the same way, have endured, and then have overcome.”
It's so beautiful. I know it's hard right now, but I also know that I will overcome and that I'll be a better person after I have come out the other side. I wanted to thank all my family and Jeff's family for their love and support. Also my friends and neighbors for checking in on me and offering to do anything and everything for me. I am a bit stubborn and quite independent so I like to do as much as possible on my own. It makes me feel empowered and strong to accomplish things on my own, but I have learned through the years that no one, including me, can do EVERYTHING on their own, and I have learned to swallow my pride and ask for help when I truly need it.
Mock Sushi
Tonight for dinner the kids and I had mock sushi. It was so fun to share with them something I love so much and they loved it too! I just made some tuna, spread it on a tortilla, rolled it, cut it up, and placed the little rolls on a plate like sushi. They ate all up!
Ayelen- Tomorrow is picture day at school so we layed out all their clothes and I braided Ayelen's hair so it will be pretty an wavy for her pictures. It has gotten so long. She's almost done growing it out and then she will be donating it to locks of love like her mama did. She makes me so proud, it was completely her idea to do it. I love that my kids have such a big heart.
Brayden- My little man is struggling a little in school. Okay, a lot of bit. So I've been working with him on getting his confidence up. He's really smart and capable of anything, but he lacks self confidence and self esteem. I have been having him help me more around the house and he seems to be doing better. Funny how I thought I was "spoiling" them by not "making" them do chores or have too many responsibilities, but in reality I was hurting them all by taking away their change to develop and grow. He has really enjoyed being my special helper. He's such a good little man and has kept his room clean all week.
Cohen- My baby boy is talking more and more everyday. Man is he a handful! Always into everything. He has also been doing chores and it's so preciuos to see his little face beam with pride everytime he accomplishes something.
Ayelen- Tomorrow is picture day at school so we layed out all their clothes and I braided Ayelen's hair so it will be pretty an wavy for her pictures. It has gotten so long. She's almost done growing it out and then she will be donating it to locks of love like her mama did. She makes me so proud, it was completely her idea to do it. I love that my kids have such a big heart.
Brayden- My little man is struggling a little in school. Okay, a lot of bit. So I've been working with him on getting his confidence up. He's really smart and capable of anything, but he lacks self confidence and self esteem. I have been having him help me more around the house and he seems to be doing better. Funny how I thought I was "spoiling" them by not "making" them do chores or have too many responsibilities, but in reality I was hurting them all by taking away their change to develop and grow. He has really enjoyed being my special helper. He's such a good little man and has kept his room clean all week.
Cohen- My baby boy is talking more and more everyday. Man is he a handful! Always into everything. He has also been doing chores and it's so preciuos to see his little face beam with pride everytime he accomplishes something.
Exposed
After posting yesterday I felt lighter. It was so nice to be open about something that I had keep a secret for so long, no more lies. It felt so good in fact that I wanted to share it with everyone so I logged on to my Facebook page and posted a link to my blog. I then started thinking of all my Facebook friends and how I wasn't sure if I wanted all those people reading something so private and personal. I, the girl that always has a smile on her face, was hiding something huge from the world. Today I'm feeling completely naked and exposed. The darkest and saddest time of my life is now out there in cyber space for all to see. That's a scary thought. But if by someone reading it, it will make them feel less alone, then I've accomplished what I had set out to do.
It has been so nice to receive comments and emails from friends assuring me that I'm not alone and that I am loved. What a marvellous thing to be able to say "Here is the worst of me." and to have someone in return say "You're amazing, and I love you." <3 It fills my heart with joy and love. <3
I'm so glad that I took the very scary step to write about my experience, even if I am feeling a little more vulnerable than usual.
It has been so nice to receive comments and emails from friends assuring me that I'm not alone and that I am loved. What a marvellous thing to be able to say "Here is the worst of me." and to have someone in return say "You're amazing, and I love you." <3 It fills my heart with joy and love. <3
I'm so glad that I took the very scary step to write about my experience, even if I am feeling a little more vulnerable than usual.
Hello, My name is Sabrina and I have MDD
I'm 27 years old, I'm a mother, a wife, a friend, sister and daughter. I love to laugh, sing, dance, create and spend time with loved ones. I would describe myself as someone loving, caring and energetic. I love people and I love life.... So how can it be that someone like has MDD, Major Depressive Disorder?
I have struggled with depression for as long as I can remember, and it's not the "I'm sad" kind of depression, it's true feelings of worthlessness, and hopelessness. Feelings of "I don't want to be alive any more." The first time I remember feeling this way was when I was 9 years old. I remember telling my Mom that I was going to kill myself, she thought I was being over dramatic and didn't really take it seriously. I made a plan of how I was going to end my life and I wrote a will. I tried to hang myself from my bunk bed in my room. I was not successful. I never told a soul of my failed plan. I went through most of my childhood and teen years feeling this way, but I never told anyone. I didn't think anyone cared or would take me seriously, so I kept it a secret.
When I was 19 years old I got married to the man I love and call my best friend. He was the only one that I trusted enough to let him in and see the "ugly" side of me. A few months later I gave birth and instantly I knew something wasn't right. I didn't feel what I thought I should have felt for my baby, and it was heartbreaking. It only got worst in the weeks to come when she was admitted into the Newborn ICU. I loved her so much, but it wasn't the love that I had heard described. It didn't get better after she came home. I felt like I was a stranger taking care of someone else's child and of course I told this to no one.
As the months went on my depression became worst. I was hearing voices and having hallucinations. I was certain I was losing my mind. For the first year of my child's life I lived in fear. I was scared that I would hurt her because the thoughts and voices in my head had convinced me that she was a demon and that she was sent here to destroy me and in order to stop her I had to destroy her first. It was the most horrific time of my life, having this constant battle with myself. The sane part of me was fighting these thoughts and voices, telling them this child was my Angel, if anything she was sent here from Heaven to save me from myself. It was truly Hell. Again, I kept all this to myself, certain that if I told someone my sweet little girl would be taken from me. I felt I was strong enough to fight the visions and voices and I knew if it came down to it I would take my own life before I ever harmed her.
Then one day in zombie like daze, I was folding laundry when the Oprah show came one. I wasn't paying too much attention but then I heard a women telling my story. She was describing what I was feeling, hearing and seeing. Her pain was my pain. Postpartum Depression. Finally there was an answer, light in a moment of darkness. I wasn't alone, I wasn't insane and it wasn't my fault. That night with my back to my husband, laying in bed shaking and holding my pillow close for comfort, I told my him everything. Sobbing, hearing these awful words coming from my mouth. I felt I didn't deserve his love or understanding. How very blessed I was to have a man that held me that night, and told me everything would be alright, we would get through it together.
Years past and we were blessed with 2 little boys. Each time my my postpartum depression got worst, each time for a year and a half to 2 years I was not completely myself. My every waking moment was consumed with fantasies and thoughts of suicide. I could not do anything without thinking about it and it to took all my energy and strength to keep from doing it. At the end of each day I was completely drained, and exhausted. Looking back now, and knowing how I felt, I have no idea how I did it, how I'm still here. I'm certain that I had an army of Angels at my side helping me get threw it. I thank God for looking after me and my kids and for blessing me with a strong man that was my rock through it all.
So why now, am I telling my story?
Because I have come to the conclusion that there's a reason God made me this way. Even though my youngest is now 3, I still feel this feeling that everyone in my life would be better off if I were not in this world. When I'm doing "well" it seems crazy, but when I have my "down" moments it's so clear how perfect this world would be without me in it. My therapist has told me there's no cure for Major Depressive Disorder, specially when it's biological and hormonal like mine seems to be. It was probably one of the worst things I've ever heard, (specially when at that moment all I wanted was to have sweet release) to hear that this disease is something I will struggle with until the day I die. So again, why am I choosing know to reveal all the ugliness. Because I love people. I feel that God chose me to have these struggles so that I can reach out and help others that may be going through the same thing. God has blessed with a sincere love for my fellow man and a willingness to help and to give. So I feel that through my trials I will be able to better serve and understand those around me. I feel if someone like me, who has everything anyone needs to be happy, could have such dark sad moments, then some one else, that's not as fortunate may be struggling too. If anyone that's reading this is struggling too, please know you are not alone. It's not your fault. I know that you did not choose to feel this way. Please know that you are loved, I may not know you personally but I love you and care for you for you see we are connected through our trials and struggles. You can reach out, you can talk to me and ALWAYS you can talk to our Heavenly Father and Our Saviour Jesus Christ, for no one knows your pain, your exact feelings and hurt like he does. He has felt what you feel and He wants nothing more than to make your burden light. Lean onto Him, for His love for you is Perfect. If Our Brother who knows our every sin and weakness can love us so purely, then why can't we love ourselves? Please take comfort in His perfect love and understanding and know that you are never alone and that even the darkest and gloomest of times shall pass.
I have struggled with depression for as long as I can remember, and it's not the "I'm sad" kind of depression, it's true feelings of worthlessness, and hopelessness. Feelings of "I don't want to be alive any more." The first time I remember feeling this way was when I was 9 years old. I remember telling my Mom that I was going to kill myself, she thought I was being over dramatic and didn't really take it seriously. I made a plan of how I was going to end my life and I wrote a will. I tried to hang myself from my bunk bed in my room. I was not successful. I never told a soul of my failed plan. I went through most of my childhood and teen years feeling this way, but I never told anyone. I didn't think anyone cared or would take me seriously, so I kept it a secret.
When I was 19 years old I got married to the man I love and call my best friend. He was the only one that I trusted enough to let him in and see the "ugly" side of me. A few months later I gave birth and instantly I knew something wasn't right. I didn't feel what I thought I should have felt for my baby, and it was heartbreaking. It only got worst in the weeks to come when she was admitted into the Newborn ICU. I loved her so much, but it wasn't the love that I had heard described. It didn't get better after she came home. I felt like I was a stranger taking care of someone else's child and of course I told this to no one.
As the months went on my depression became worst. I was hearing voices and having hallucinations. I was certain I was losing my mind. For the first year of my child's life I lived in fear. I was scared that I would hurt her because the thoughts and voices in my head had convinced me that she was a demon and that she was sent here to destroy me and in order to stop her I had to destroy her first. It was the most horrific time of my life, having this constant battle with myself. The sane part of me was fighting these thoughts and voices, telling them this child was my Angel, if anything she was sent here from Heaven to save me from myself. It was truly Hell. Again, I kept all this to myself, certain that if I told someone my sweet little girl would be taken from me. I felt I was strong enough to fight the visions and voices and I knew if it came down to it I would take my own life before I ever harmed her.
Then one day in zombie like daze, I was folding laundry when the Oprah show came one. I wasn't paying too much attention but then I heard a women telling my story. She was describing what I was feeling, hearing and seeing. Her pain was my pain. Postpartum Depression. Finally there was an answer, light in a moment of darkness. I wasn't alone, I wasn't insane and it wasn't my fault. That night with my back to my husband, laying in bed shaking and holding my pillow close for comfort, I told my him everything. Sobbing, hearing these awful words coming from my mouth. I felt I didn't deserve his love or understanding. How very blessed I was to have a man that held me that night, and told me everything would be alright, we would get through it together.
Years past and we were blessed with 2 little boys. Each time my my postpartum depression got worst, each time for a year and a half to 2 years I was not completely myself. My every waking moment was consumed with fantasies and thoughts of suicide. I could not do anything without thinking about it and it to took all my energy and strength to keep from doing it. At the end of each day I was completely drained, and exhausted. Looking back now, and knowing how I felt, I have no idea how I did it, how I'm still here. I'm certain that I had an army of Angels at my side helping me get threw it. I thank God for looking after me and my kids and for blessing me with a strong man that was my rock through it all.
So why now, am I telling my story?
Because I have come to the conclusion that there's a reason God made me this way. Even though my youngest is now 3, I still feel this feeling that everyone in my life would be better off if I were not in this world. When I'm doing "well" it seems crazy, but when I have my "down" moments it's so clear how perfect this world would be without me in it. My therapist has told me there's no cure for Major Depressive Disorder, specially when it's biological and hormonal like mine seems to be. It was probably one of the worst things I've ever heard, (specially when at that moment all I wanted was to have sweet release) to hear that this disease is something I will struggle with until the day I die. So again, why am I choosing know to reveal all the ugliness. Because I love people. I feel that God chose me to have these struggles so that I can reach out and help others that may be going through the same thing. God has blessed with a sincere love for my fellow man and a willingness to help and to give. So I feel that through my trials I will be able to better serve and understand those around me. I feel if someone like me, who has everything anyone needs to be happy, could have such dark sad moments, then some one else, that's not as fortunate may be struggling too. If anyone that's reading this is struggling too, please know you are not alone. It's not your fault. I know that you did not choose to feel this way. Please know that you are loved, I may not know you personally but I love you and care for you for you see we are connected through our trials and struggles. You can reach out, you can talk to me and ALWAYS you can talk to our Heavenly Father and Our Saviour Jesus Christ, for no one knows your pain, your exact feelings and hurt like he does. He has felt what you feel and He wants nothing more than to make your burden light. Lean onto Him, for His love for you is Perfect. If Our Brother who knows our every sin and weakness can love us so purely, then why can't we love ourselves? Please take comfort in His perfect love and understanding and know that you are never alone and that even the darkest and gloomest of times shall pass.
Sometimes....
Sometimes I get jealous....
Sometimes I think about who I might be if I were not a mother and a wife.
I think about what I might look like and if I'd like my reflection.
I think about the places I would travel to and the people I would meet.
Sometimes I get jealous of women's bodies who are intact and not damaged by pregnancy and birth.
Sometimes I think I may have less lines around my eyes if I spent less time worrying about my babies.
Sometimes I feel like I could have been more or done more with my life.
But then...
I look across the room and see their smiles, and I know this where I was born to be.
I was meant to be a mother and a wife.
Because nothing else brings such joy to my life.
I will live a thousand adventures next to their side.
I will wipe off every tear and witness every smile and be their rock to lean on until the day I leave this Earth.
And from Heaven I will wait and watch down on them while they learn, make mistakes and grow.
Patiently waiting until again at my side they will be.
And until that day comes I will reflect silently on my lives choices and I will know that being a wife and mother was the best choice that I have ever made because there's truly nothing more important that I could have done in my life than be the mother of Ayelen, Brayden and Cohen.
I hope that they will always know that they are number one in my life and no amount travel, people, or beauty could replace what they have given me.
Sometimes I think about who I might be if I were not a mother and a wife.
I think about what I might look like and if I'd like my reflection.
I think about the places I would travel to and the people I would meet.
Sometimes I get jealous of women's bodies who are intact and not damaged by pregnancy and birth.
Sometimes I think I may have less lines around my eyes if I spent less time worrying about my babies.
Sometimes I feel like I could have been more or done more with my life.
But then...
I look across the room and see their smiles, and I know this where I was born to be.
I was meant to be a mother and a wife.
Because nothing else brings such joy to my life.
I will live a thousand adventures next to their side.
I will wipe off every tear and witness every smile and be their rock to lean on until the day I leave this Earth.
And from Heaven I will wait and watch down on them while they learn, make mistakes and grow.
Patiently waiting until again at my side they will be.
And until that day comes I will reflect silently on my lives choices and I will know that being a wife and mother was the best choice that I have ever made because there's truly nothing more important that I could have done in my life than be the mother of Ayelen, Brayden and Cohen.
I hope that they will always know that they are number one in my life and no amount travel, people, or beauty could replace what they have given me.
Cohen's new discovery
Today Cohen walked in on Ayelen in the bathroom, I'm surprised it hasn't happened before since we have a "no doors locked" rule in our house. Anyway, he came out of the bathroom in a panic. "Mom!! Sissy penis is gone! Sissy has no penis." Poor baby, he was actually really worried that sissy didn't have the same body parts he did. So I explained to him the difference between boys and girls. Even writing about it now, hours later, it makes giggle a little bit. He was so worried about his big sister, it's sweet that he was looking out for her. :)
Monday Night Blessings
I want to write these things down before I forget.
Cohen- I was given him a bath and he was playing with the bubbles. He would put them on his chin and say "Ho ho ho, I'm Santa Claus!" and then he put bubbles on my chin and I said the same thing and he said "No! You're Mrs. Claus." So with bubble on my chin I have him a hearty "Ho ho ho, I'm Mrs. Claus."
Later I caught him drinking the bath water. I said, "Don't Coco. That's yucky." His responses, with a big grin on his face, "No it not. It tasty."
Brayden- Painted pictures for all his friends, and his family. What a little sweetheart! He also loves to recite the pledge of allegiance. My favorite part: The United STAKES of America. Darling!
Ayelen- She wrote me a cute little note:
"A flower is pretty, but you are too. Which is prettier the flower or you? Y-O-U! Yeah! YOU!"
And below that she drew a picture of me and a flower next to me and a check mark under my picture. Precious!
Cohen- I was given him a bath and he was playing with the bubbles. He would put them on his chin and say "Ho ho ho, I'm Santa Claus!" and then he put bubbles on my chin and I said the same thing and he said "No! You're Mrs. Claus." So with bubble on my chin I have him a hearty "Ho ho ho, I'm Mrs. Claus."
Later I caught him drinking the bath water. I said, "Don't Coco. That's yucky." His responses, with a big grin on his face, "No it not. It tasty."
Brayden- Painted pictures for all his friends, and his family. What a little sweetheart! He also loves to recite the pledge of allegiance. My favorite part: The United STAKES of America. Darling!
Ayelen- She wrote me a cute little note:
"A flower is pretty, but you are too. Which is prettier the flower or you? Y-O-U! Yeah! YOU!"
And below that she drew a picture of me and a flower next to me and a check mark under my picture. Precious!
Women
I feel so very very blessed to have amazing women in my life. I don't know why I have been blessed with so many wonderful inspiring women. They are such a great example to me and I push myself everyday to be more like them. I hope one day I will be able inspire others as well.
My Boys
Oh how I love my boys and the joys that come with having little boys in our house. This morning it involved clean up a dozen eggs off the kitchen floor and walls, tomorrow who knows what they will come up with. Each day is a new adventure, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I love that they're loud and messy, and that they came with their own sound effects. I love that Brayden builds robots with blocks and that Cohen builds tower just to watch them crumble. I love that they smell like puppies after spending the day playing outside and that they often need more than 1 bath each day. I love that they unconditionally love me. I love my boys so much that it hurts knowing one day they will not need me the way they do now. So I'll count to ten, clean up their messes and wipe off their faces, just to do it all again the next day, and when that morning sun rises I will thank God for another day with my boys.
Help Haiti
If you been online at all this week or turned on the TV you have heard about the tragedy in Haiti. The earthquake has impacted over 3 million people and thousand are expected dead. My heart aches for them and what they must be going through.
I received an email today from the Rock the Vote campaign. It said that Rock the Vote had teamed up with the artist Wyclef (who's from Haiti) and he started the Yele Haiti Relief fund. Haiti is the poorest country in the Western Hemisphere and needless to say, they need our help and Yele Haiti Relief Fund made it really easy for us to do so. You can text "Yele" to 501501 to donate $5 to the Yele Haiti Earthquake Fund (it will be charged to your cell phone bill. So simple. Really, how many of us will notice an extra $5 charge on our phone bill? Just think of the impact it will have if everyone did this, just $5. Five dollars to help someone who's lost everything they have and people they love. Five dollars to help keep them warm and safe.
I have been so touched by this tragedy and I truly believe in my heart that people are good and caring by nature. I think that we all want to help others and give to make a world a better place. We are so incredibly blessed in this country and I think it's incredible that with a simple text we can send a little love to those how need it. I really hope that everyone that reads this will take a few second from their day to text "Yele" to 501501. I did it and I'm trying to spread the word. It's now on my blog and also up on my facebook status. If you get a chance post it on yours as well. You can also donate by going to yele.org and click DONATE.
Much love, Sabrina
CUPCAKES
Cupcakes. They're so fantanstic, a cake mini sized, they're perfect for little hands. Maybe too perfect. In our house cupcakes are much loved and we make them quite often. And every time it's the same story, because I'm a slow learner. Last night we made cupcakes, and this morning like every other morning after baking cupcakes, this what I found.....
All the cupcakes with the tops missing. Only one cupcake was frosted so frosting was not the incentive. Now who could mutilate cupcakes in such a way? It's always one person, one tiny little person with big brown eyes and pouty lips.
Here he is enjoying his vice...
All the cupcakes with the tops missing. Only one cupcake was frosted so frosting was not the incentive. Now who could mutilate cupcakes in such a way? It's always one person, one tiny little person with big brown eyes and pouty lips.
Here he is enjoying his vice...
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