I'm 27 years old, I'm a mother, a wife, a friend, sister and daughter. I love to laugh, sing, dance, create and spend time with loved ones. I would describe myself as someone loving, caring and energetic. I love people and I love life.... So how can it be that someone like has MDD, Major Depressive Disorder?
I have struggled with depression for as long as I can remember, and it's not the "I'm sad" kind of depression, it's true feelings of worthlessness, and hopelessness. Feelings of "I don't want to be alive any more." The first time I remember feeling this way was when I was 9 years old. I remember telling my Mom that I was going to kill myself, she thought I was being over dramatic and didn't really take it seriously. I made a plan of how I was going to end my life and I wrote a will. I tried to hang myself from my bunk bed in my room. I was not successful. I never told a soul of my failed plan. I went through most of my childhood and teen years feeling this way, but I never told anyone. I didn't think anyone cared or would take me seriously, so I kept it a secret.
When I was 19 years old I got married to the man I love and call my best friend. He was the only one that I trusted enough to let him in and see the "ugly" side of me. A few months later I gave birth and instantly I knew something wasn't right. I didn't feel what I thought I should have felt for my baby, and it was heartbreaking. It only got worst in the weeks to come when she was admitted into the Newborn ICU. I loved her so much, but it wasn't the love that I had heard described. It didn't get better after she came home. I felt like I was a stranger taking care of someone else's child and of course I told this to no one.
As the months went on my depression became worst. I was hearing voices and having hallucinations. I was certain I was losing my mind. For the first year of my child's life I lived in fear. I was scared that I would hurt her because the thoughts and voices in my head had convinced me that she was a demon and that she was sent here to destroy me and in order to stop her I had to destroy her first. It was the most horrific time of my life, having this constant battle with myself. The sane part of me was fighting these thoughts and voices, telling them this child was my Angel, if anything she was sent here from Heaven to save me from myself. It was truly Hell. Again, I kept all this to myself, certain that if I told someone my sweet little girl would be taken from me. I felt I was strong enough to fight the visions and voices and I knew if it came down to it I would take my own life before I ever harmed her.
Then one day in zombie like daze, I was folding laundry when the Oprah show came one. I wasn't paying too much attention but then I heard a women telling my story. She was describing what I was feeling, hearing and seeing. Her pain was my pain. Postpartum Depression. Finally there was an answer, light in a moment of darkness. I wasn't alone, I wasn't insane and it wasn't my fault. That night with my back to my husband, laying in bed shaking and holding my pillow close for comfort, I told my him everything. Sobbing, hearing these awful words coming from my mouth. I felt I didn't deserve his love or understanding. How very blessed I was to have a man that held me that night, and told me everything would be alright, we would get through it together.
Years past and we were blessed with 2 little boys. Each time my my postpartum depression got worst, each time for a year and a half to 2 years I was not completely myself. My every waking moment was consumed with fantasies and thoughts of suicide. I could not do anything without thinking about it and it to took all my energy and strength to keep from doing it. At the end of each day I was completely drained, and exhausted. Looking back now, and knowing how I felt, I have no idea how I did it, how I'm still here. I'm certain that I had an army of Angels at my side helping me get threw it. I thank God for looking after me and my kids and for blessing me with a strong man that was my rock through it all.
So why now, am I telling my story?
Because I have come to the conclusion that there's a reason God made me this way. Even though my youngest is now 3, I still feel this feeling that everyone in my life would be better off if I were not in this world. When I'm doing "well" it seems crazy, but when I have my "down" moments it's so clear how perfect this world would be without me in it. My therapist has told me there's no cure for Major Depressive Disorder, specially when it's biological and hormonal like mine seems to be. It was probably one of the worst things I've ever heard, (specially when at that moment all I wanted was to have sweet release) to hear that this disease is something I will struggle with until the day I die. So again, why am I choosing know to reveal all the ugliness. Because I love people. I feel that God chose me to have these struggles so that I can reach out and help others that may be going through the same thing. God has blessed with a sincere love for my fellow man and a willingness to help and to give. So I feel that through my trials I will be able to better serve and understand those around me. I feel if someone like me, who has everything anyone needs to be happy, could have such dark sad moments, then some one else, that's not as fortunate may be struggling too. If anyone that's reading this is struggling too, please know you are not alone. It's not your fault. I know that you did not choose to feel this way. Please know that you are loved, I may not know you personally but I love you and care for you for you see we are connected through our trials and struggles. You can reach out, you can talk to me and ALWAYS you can talk to our Heavenly Father and Our Saviour Jesus Christ, for no one knows your pain, your exact feelings and hurt like he does. He has felt what you feel and He wants nothing more than to make your burden light. Lean onto Him, for His love for you is Perfect. If Our Brother who knows our every sin and weakness can love us so purely, then why can't we love ourselves? Please take comfort in His perfect love and understanding and know that you are never alone and that even the darkest and gloomest of times shall pass.
1 comment:
I am and many are that you are alive! That we can find a sensitive and adorable soul in you. Finding and accepting our own problems is happening only in GREAT people. You are one of the few. Some famous and capable people had and have to face unthinkable challenges like yours. You are a rock on many of our simple or complicated lives. It is hard to live with pain and difficulty and not be able to "do something about it." It is hard to face our own vulnerability and weakness. It is tempting to trust our own strength; even to return evil for evil. Courage is the strength to resist these temptations, to fight, to own up to the limits of our own power and control, to use “all our strength” first and foremost in the service of love, whatever the cost. For courage, in the words of Josef Pieper, is “nothing else than to love the good, in the face of injury, persecution, judgements, criticism, sickness or death,...undeterred by any spirit of compromise.”
When we endure suffering, our helplessness can’t be fixed and it can’t be ignored. But from that place of hurt and helplessness we see most clearly that courage is not finally about our own strength to overcome difficulty. Only God has the power to overcome evil. Only God has faced death down and defeated it. When our own strength is exhausted by suffering, we see most clearly that true strength is rooted in God’s power, and inspired by his love. Thank you for sharing our deepest thoughts. I am proud to be your mother.
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