After posting yesterday I felt lighter. It was so nice to be open about something that I had keep a secret for so long, no more lies. It felt so good in fact that I wanted to share it with everyone so I logged on to my Facebook page and posted a link to my blog. I then started thinking of all my Facebook friends and how I wasn't sure if I wanted all those people reading something so private and personal. I, the girl that always has a smile on her face, was hiding something huge from the world. Today I'm feeling completely naked and exposed. The darkest and saddest time of my life is now out there in cyber space for all to see. That's a scary thought. But if by someone reading it, it will make them feel less alone, then I've accomplished what I had set out to do.
It has been so nice to receive comments and emails from friends assuring me that I'm not alone and that I am loved. What a marvellous thing to be able to say "Here is the worst of me." and to have someone in return say "You're amazing, and I love you." <3 It fills my heart with joy and love. <3
I'm so glad that I took the very scary step to write about my experience, even if I am feeling a little more vulnerable than usual.
Hello, My name is Sabrina and I have MDD
I'm 27 years old, I'm a mother, a wife, a friend, sister and daughter. I love to laugh, sing, dance, create and spend time with loved ones. I would describe myself as someone loving, caring and energetic. I love people and I love life.... So how can it be that someone like has MDD, Major Depressive Disorder?
I have struggled with depression for as long as I can remember, and it's not the "I'm sad" kind of depression, it's true feelings of worthlessness, and hopelessness. Feelings of "I don't want to be alive any more." The first time I remember feeling this way was when I was 9 years old. I remember telling my Mom that I was going to kill myself, she thought I was being over dramatic and didn't really take it seriously. I made a plan of how I was going to end my life and I wrote a will. I tried to hang myself from my bunk bed in my room. I was not successful. I never told a soul of my failed plan. I went through most of my childhood and teen years feeling this way, but I never told anyone. I didn't think anyone cared or would take me seriously, so I kept it a secret.
When I was 19 years old I got married to the man I love and call my best friend. He was the only one that I trusted enough to let him in and see the "ugly" side of me. A few months later I gave birth and instantly I knew something wasn't right. I didn't feel what I thought I should have felt for my baby, and it was heartbreaking. It only got worst in the weeks to come when she was admitted into the Newborn ICU. I loved her so much, but it wasn't the love that I had heard described. It didn't get better after she came home. I felt like I was a stranger taking care of someone else's child and of course I told this to no one.
As the months went on my depression became worst. I was hearing voices and having hallucinations. I was certain I was losing my mind. For the first year of my child's life I lived in fear. I was scared that I would hurt her because the thoughts and voices in my head had convinced me that she was a demon and that she was sent here to destroy me and in order to stop her I had to destroy her first. It was the most horrific time of my life, having this constant battle with myself. The sane part of me was fighting these thoughts and voices, telling them this child was my Angel, if anything she was sent here from Heaven to save me from myself. It was truly Hell. Again, I kept all this to myself, certain that if I told someone my sweet little girl would be taken from me. I felt I was strong enough to fight the visions and voices and I knew if it came down to it I would take my own life before I ever harmed her.
Then one day in zombie like daze, I was folding laundry when the Oprah show came one. I wasn't paying too much attention but then I heard a women telling my story. She was describing what I was feeling, hearing and seeing. Her pain was my pain. Postpartum Depression. Finally there was an answer, light in a moment of darkness. I wasn't alone, I wasn't insane and it wasn't my fault. That night with my back to my husband, laying in bed shaking and holding my pillow close for comfort, I told my him everything. Sobbing, hearing these awful words coming from my mouth. I felt I didn't deserve his love or understanding. How very blessed I was to have a man that held me that night, and told me everything would be alright, we would get through it together.
Years past and we were blessed with 2 little boys. Each time my my postpartum depression got worst, each time for a year and a half to 2 years I was not completely myself. My every waking moment was consumed with fantasies and thoughts of suicide. I could not do anything without thinking about it and it to took all my energy and strength to keep from doing it. At the end of each day I was completely drained, and exhausted. Looking back now, and knowing how I felt, I have no idea how I did it, how I'm still here. I'm certain that I had an army of Angels at my side helping me get threw it. I thank God for looking after me and my kids and for blessing me with a strong man that was my rock through it all.
So why now, am I telling my story?
Because I have come to the conclusion that there's a reason God made me this way. Even though my youngest is now 3, I still feel this feeling that everyone in my life would be better off if I were not in this world. When I'm doing "well" it seems crazy, but when I have my "down" moments it's so clear how perfect this world would be without me in it. My therapist has told me there's no cure for Major Depressive Disorder, specially when it's biological and hormonal like mine seems to be. It was probably one of the worst things I've ever heard, (specially when at that moment all I wanted was to have sweet release) to hear that this disease is something I will struggle with until the day I die. So again, why am I choosing know to reveal all the ugliness. Because I love people. I feel that God chose me to have these struggles so that I can reach out and help others that may be going through the same thing. God has blessed with a sincere love for my fellow man and a willingness to help and to give. So I feel that through my trials I will be able to better serve and understand those around me. I feel if someone like me, who has everything anyone needs to be happy, could have such dark sad moments, then some one else, that's not as fortunate may be struggling too. If anyone that's reading this is struggling too, please know you are not alone. It's not your fault. I know that you did not choose to feel this way. Please know that you are loved, I may not know you personally but I love you and care for you for you see we are connected through our trials and struggles. You can reach out, you can talk to me and ALWAYS you can talk to our Heavenly Father and Our Saviour Jesus Christ, for no one knows your pain, your exact feelings and hurt like he does. He has felt what you feel and He wants nothing more than to make your burden light. Lean onto Him, for His love for you is Perfect. If Our Brother who knows our every sin and weakness can love us so purely, then why can't we love ourselves? Please take comfort in His perfect love and understanding and know that you are never alone and that even the darkest and gloomest of times shall pass.
I have struggled with depression for as long as I can remember, and it's not the "I'm sad" kind of depression, it's true feelings of worthlessness, and hopelessness. Feelings of "I don't want to be alive any more." The first time I remember feeling this way was when I was 9 years old. I remember telling my Mom that I was going to kill myself, she thought I was being over dramatic and didn't really take it seriously. I made a plan of how I was going to end my life and I wrote a will. I tried to hang myself from my bunk bed in my room. I was not successful. I never told a soul of my failed plan. I went through most of my childhood and teen years feeling this way, but I never told anyone. I didn't think anyone cared or would take me seriously, so I kept it a secret.
When I was 19 years old I got married to the man I love and call my best friend. He was the only one that I trusted enough to let him in and see the "ugly" side of me. A few months later I gave birth and instantly I knew something wasn't right. I didn't feel what I thought I should have felt for my baby, and it was heartbreaking. It only got worst in the weeks to come when she was admitted into the Newborn ICU. I loved her so much, but it wasn't the love that I had heard described. It didn't get better after she came home. I felt like I was a stranger taking care of someone else's child and of course I told this to no one.
As the months went on my depression became worst. I was hearing voices and having hallucinations. I was certain I was losing my mind. For the first year of my child's life I lived in fear. I was scared that I would hurt her because the thoughts and voices in my head had convinced me that she was a demon and that she was sent here to destroy me and in order to stop her I had to destroy her first. It was the most horrific time of my life, having this constant battle with myself. The sane part of me was fighting these thoughts and voices, telling them this child was my Angel, if anything she was sent here from Heaven to save me from myself. It was truly Hell. Again, I kept all this to myself, certain that if I told someone my sweet little girl would be taken from me. I felt I was strong enough to fight the visions and voices and I knew if it came down to it I would take my own life before I ever harmed her.
Then one day in zombie like daze, I was folding laundry when the Oprah show came one. I wasn't paying too much attention but then I heard a women telling my story. She was describing what I was feeling, hearing and seeing. Her pain was my pain. Postpartum Depression. Finally there was an answer, light in a moment of darkness. I wasn't alone, I wasn't insane and it wasn't my fault. That night with my back to my husband, laying in bed shaking and holding my pillow close for comfort, I told my him everything. Sobbing, hearing these awful words coming from my mouth. I felt I didn't deserve his love or understanding. How very blessed I was to have a man that held me that night, and told me everything would be alright, we would get through it together.
Years past and we were blessed with 2 little boys. Each time my my postpartum depression got worst, each time for a year and a half to 2 years I was not completely myself. My every waking moment was consumed with fantasies and thoughts of suicide. I could not do anything without thinking about it and it to took all my energy and strength to keep from doing it. At the end of each day I was completely drained, and exhausted. Looking back now, and knowing how I felt, I have no idea how I did it, how I'm still here. I'm certain that I had an army of Angels at my side helping me get threw it. I thank God for looking after me and my kids and for blessing me with a strong man that was my rock through it all.
So why now, am I telling my story?
Because I have come to the conclusion that there's a reason God made me this way. Even though my youngest is now 3, I still feel this feeling that everyone in my life would be better off if I were not in this world. When I'm doing "well" it seems crazy, but when I have my "down" moments it's so clear how perfect this world would be without me in it. My therapist has told me there's no cure for Major Depressive Disorder, specially when it's biological and hormonal like mine seems to be. It was probably one of the worst things I've ever heard, (specially when at that moment all I wanted was to have sweet release) to hear that this disease is something I will struggle with until the day I die. So again, why am I choosing know to reveal all the ugliness. Because I love people. I feel that God chose me to have these struggles so that I can reach out and help others that may be going through the same thing. God has blessed with a sincere love for my fellow man and a willingness to help and to give. So I feel that through my trials I will be able to better serve and understand those around me. I feel if someone like me, who has everything anyone needs to be happy, could have such dark sad moments, then some one else, that's not as fortunate may be struggling too. If anyone that's reading this is struggling too, please know you are not alone. It's not your fault. I know that you did not choose to feel this way. Please know that you are loved, I may not know you personally but I love you and care for you for you see we are connected through our trials and struggles. You can reach out, you can talk to me and ALWAYS you can talk to our Heavenly Father and Our Saviour Jesus Christ, for no one knows your pain, your exact feelings and hurt like he does. He has felt what you feel and He wants nothing more than to make your burden light. Lean onto Him, for His love for you is Perfect. If Our Brother who knows our every sin and weakness can love us so purely, then why can't we love ourselves? Please take comfort in His perfect love and understanding and know that you are never alone and that even the darkest and gloomest of times shall pass.
Sometimes....
Sometimes I get jealous....
Sometimes I think about who I might be if I were not a mother and a wife.
I think about what I might look like and if I'd like my reflection.
I think about the places I would travel to and the people I would meet.
Sometimes I get jealous of women's bodies who are intact and not damaged by pregnancy and birth.
Sometimes I think I may have less lines around my eyes if I spent less time worrying about my babies.
Sometimes I feel like I could have been more or done more with my life.
But then...
I look across the room and see their smiles, and I know this where I was born to be.
I was meant to be a mother and a wife.
Because nothing else brings such joy to my life.
I will live a thousand adventures next to their side.
I will wipe off every tear and witness every smile and be their rock to lean on until the day I leave this Earth.
And from Heaven I will wait and watch down on them while they learn, make mistakes and grow.
Patiently waiting until again at my side they will be.
And until that day comes I will reflect silently on my lives choices and I will know that being a wife and mother was the best choice that I have ever made because there's truly nothing more important that I could have done in my life than be the mother of Ayelen, Brayden and Cohen.
I hope that they will always know that they are number one in my life and no amount travel, people, or beauty could replace what they have given me.
Sometimes I think about who I might be if I were not a mother and a wife.
I think about what I might look like and if I'd like my reflection.
I think about the places I would travel to and the people I would meet.
Sometimes I get jealous of women's bodies who are intact and not damaged by pregnancy and birth.
Sometimes I think I may have less lines around my eyes if I spent less time worrying about my babies.
Sometimes I feel like I could have been more or done more with my life.
But then...
I look across the room and see their smiles, and I know this where I was born to be.
I was meant to be a mother and a wife.
Because nothing else brings such joy to my life.
I will live a thousand adventures next to their side.
I will wipe off every tear and witness every smile and be their rock to lean on until the day I leave this Earth.
And from Heaven I will wait and watch down on them while they learn, make mistakes and grow.
Patiently waiting until again at my side they will be.
And until that day comes I will reflect silently on my lives choices and I will know that being a wife and mother was the best choice that I have ever made because there's truly nothing more important that I could have done in my life than be the mother of Ayelen, Brayden and Cohen.
I hope that they will always know that they are number one in my life and no amount travel, people, or beauty could replace what they have given me.
Cohen's new discovery
Today Cohen walked in on Ayelen in the bathroom, I'm surprised it hasn't happened before since we have a "no doors locked" rule in our house. Anyway, he came out of the bathroom in a panic. "Mom!! Sissy penis is gone! Sissy has no penis." Poor baby, he was actually really worried that sissy didn't have the same body parts he did. So I explained to him the difference between boys and girls. Even writing about it now, hours later, it makes giggle a little bit. He was so worried about his big sister, it's sweet that he was looking out for her. :)
Monday Night Blessings
I want to write these things down before I forget.
Cohen- I was given him a bath and he was playing with the bubbles. He would put them on his chin and say "Ho ho ho, I'm Santa Claus!" and then he put bubbles on my chin and I said the same thing and he said "No! You're Mrs. Claus." So with bubble on my chin I have him a hearty "Ho ho ho, I'm Mrs. Claus."
Later I caught him drinking the bath water. I said, "Don't Coco. That's yucky." His responses, with a big grin on his face, "No it not. It tasty."
Brayden- Painted pictures for all his friends, and his family. What a little sweetheart! He also loves to recite the pledge of allegiance. My favorite part: The United STAKES of America. Darling!
Ayelen- She wrote me a cute little note:
"A flower is pretty, but you are too. Which is prettier the flower or you? Y-O-U! Yeah! YOU!"
And below that she drew a picture of me and a flower next to me and a check mark under my picture. Precious!
Cohen- I was given him a bath and he was playing with the bubbles. He would put them on his chin and say "Ho ho ho, I'm Santa Claus!" and then he put bubbles on my chin and I said the same thing and he said "No! You're Mrs. Claus." So with bubble on my chin I have him a hearty "Ho ho ho, I'm Mrs. Claus."
Later I caught him drinking the bath water. I said, "Don't Coco. That's yucky." His responses, with a big grin on his face, "No it not. It tasty."
Brayden- Painted pictures for all his friends, and his family. What a little sweetheart! He also loves to recite the pledge of allegiance. My favorite part: The United STAKES of America. Darling!
Ayelen- She wrote me a cute little note:
"A flower is pretty, but you are too. Which is prettier the flower or you? Y-O-U! Yeah! YOU!"
And below that she drew a picture of me and a flower next to me and a check mark under my picture. Precious!
Women
I feel so very very blessed to have amazing women in my life. I don't know why I have been blessed with so many wonderful inspiring women. They are such a great example to me and I push myself everyday to be more like them. I hope one day I will be able inspire others as well.
My Boys
Oh how I love my boys and the joys that come with having little boys in our house. This morning it involved clean up a dozen eggs off the kitchen floor and walls, tomorrow who knows what they will come up with. Each day is a new adventure, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I love that they're loud and messy, and that they came with their own sound effects. I love that Brayden builds robots with blocks and that Cohen builds tower just to watch them crumble. I love that they smell like puppies after spending the day playing outside and that they often need more than 1 bath each day. I love that they unconditionally love me. I love my boys so much that it hurts knowing one day they will not need me the way they do now. So I'll count to ten, clean up their messes and wipe off their faces, just to do it all again the next day, and when that morning sun rises I will thank God for another day with my boys.
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